Has Christmas lost all meaning?
I’ve actually always struggled with Christmas and struggled to find the joy that I believe I’m ‘supposed’ to feel. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas, it’s that I find it hard to connect with it, ever since I’ve been old enough to understand what it is.
I’ve always been inquisitive and always asked questions, this meant that I never had the ‘magic’ of Christmas that other children experienced, because I never believed in ‘Santa Claus’. I remember getting told off in primary school for telling other children that the Santa Claus in school that day handing out presents, was in fact, our caretaker.. I notice details. It wasn’t that I was trying to spoil it for others, it was simply me informing them of the truth; which I now know is how my neurodivergent brain works, as a newly diagnosed autistic and ADHD woman. Saying what I see.
I’ve always felt overwhelmed by Christmas and well, any big gathering to be honest, but people always assumed I was either shy, or miserable. Non of these being true, it’s that I was undiagnosed with autism. Whilst I have always been quiet, and preferred to have one friend over big groups, it all makes sense to me now.
My mum would take me to Christmas light switch ons in our home town, but I remember crying at the large brass bands playing, I was never sure why this was (now I do) but I questioned myself for years, wondering, am I truly just miserable? I thought maybe I just don’t like Christmas. Again, not true. I just couldn’t connect with it in ways others could.
At high school I struggled with the concept of Christmas for different reasons. Friends would often talk about the lavish gifts they were receiving and how many presents they were getting, or how much money was being spent on them. Quite frankly, it used to make me feel sick. I remember trying to take a lighthearted approach and pretended I was Scrooge and would say ‘bah humbug’ but the real reason behind this was that my family was small, we didn’t have a big Christmas, there was only ever the 4 of us (which now I’m so grateful for) but also because we didn’t have much money, I received presents, but my mum wasn’t able to splurge on me like my friends, and I didn’t expect her to either. I wasn’t envious, it was more that I felt ashamed and embarrassed, so instead, I’d pretend I didn’t like Christmas.
As well as this, when I was around 11 years old, it was when I found out my father had died. It was around Christmas time that we found out, so whilst this isn’t at forefront, subconsciously, it probably plays a part..
Within recent years I have tried hard to reconnect with the joy of Christmas, the joy I believe I’m ‘supposed’ to feel. I’ve tried to get into the ‘Christmas spirit’ but because it’s felt forced, it’s had the opposite effect of what I wanted ( but not always)
To go deeper into this and to try and articulate it as best I can - let me elaborate…
As an adult, I’ve tried to connect with the spirit of Christmas in more meaningful ways, focusing on presence over presents. Especially having experienced so much adversity over the past 15 years, to me, every single day is a gift, in which I thank my lucky stars for daily. There have been many times I thought I may not be here at all.
Now I view Christmas as a time for connection, reflection, gratitude, and intention. A time to cherish moments with loved ones in ways perhaps we may usually take for granted.
I try not to buy gifts for the sake of buying gifts. If there is no meaning or intention behind it, it feels inauthentic to me and goes against my values. Giving and receiving shouldn’t feel conditional, the whole “they bought me something so I need to buy them something” - if no thought goes into gift giving, I actually find it offensive, because you’re not truly thinking of the person, it’s more about having something tangible to show..
This isn’t about me being miserable or avoiding the joy of giving, I give all year through, I actually love giving when there’s pure intention and meaning behind it and when it comes from a genuine place. But to give without meaning to me feels empty, I don’t want to feel forced into something especially if it goes against my values, or because ‘that’s just what we do at Christmas’ do we have to follow suit just because? It’s not something I personally believe I can do.
There’s another reason I find the connection to Christmas difficult, and I think this is to do with my ADHD (although I never want to use this an an excuse) it’s not, it’s a true representation of how my brain works. Let me explain..
I often feel pressure to celebrate something if I feel I’m supposed to (something known as demand avoidance in the neurodivergent world)
When something is hyped up, it creates a sense of pressure to feel a certain way, which instinctively makes me want to resist.
Christmas can often feel like a huge societal expectation that makes me feel forced to get on board with. Can you relate?
This might seem unusual to many and it’s not that I’m not rejecting Christmas, it’s just that I’m embracing it in a way that makes sense, feels truthful and aligned for me.
With that said,
Merry Christmas - have a wonderful day however you celebrate, (if you celebrate at all)
This is your reminder that Christmas can be whatever you want it to be.
With love,
Laura x
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